Motivationsschreiben für ein Jahr im Ausland über Weltwärts

[simone145]

Hallo ihr Lieben,
ich möchte mich gerne für ein Auslandsjahr über Weltwärts bewerben.
Dazu muss ich ein Motivationsschreiben auf Englisch verfassen.
Da ich noch sehr unsicher bin, ob ich mein bisher geschriebenes auch so abschicken kann, wäre ich total glücklich, wenn Ihr mir ein oder andere Fehler verbessern würdet!

I think I will fit best into the project options and countries I indicated becouse it is a ambitious dream of mine to make a year abroad. The last three years during I was going to school I think about a new challenge in my life. I am curious to bekome acquainted with an other mentality and culture. Furthermore I want to make new experiences of life. Besides I am interested in a new lifestyle and to exchange my skills with the skills of foreigners. I want to make myself useful in the best I am allowed to. The skills that I could contribute during a year abroad I see in dealing with people. At the working fields of my parents I came into contact with children and disabled peoples. Furthermore I was a membership of an big project to make art with homeless children to get them a change to communicate. Beyond this I count myself among the creative people. I love to painting and working with different materials. Through my education as an technical design assitent I am a teamplayer and be cooperatively. Through my job in a gastronomy I demonstrate conscientiousness. i consider myself as an adaptable human, who is able to introduce in new and other situations of live. To sum up I will promise you to get my best during a social year abroad with your organisation. I would be very happy to get a chance by you and can presentiate my skills.

[jublin]

okay, ich denke es ist ganz gut, wenn auch Fehler drin sind sollte ja schliesslich auch dein 'wahres' Englisch-Leven widerspiegeln.
nur ein paar Fehler, die korrigiert werden sollten:

becouse=because (Zeile 1)
bekome=become (Zeile 3)
adaptable human= ich wuerde eher schreiben 'as an girl that adapts easily to changes' oder so ...

In Zeile 7, wurde ich einfach schreiben 'I participated in a big project ....' wenn du das bei der jetzigen Satzstruktur belassen willst, schreib participant und nicht membership (Mitgliedschaft).

viel glueck

[horndasch]

Hallo Simone!

Erst einmal herzlichen Glückwunsch zur Bewerbung für Weltwärts: Ein tolles Programm. Ich drücke dir sehr die Daumen.

Zu deinem Motivationsschreiben: Du machst viele Rechtschreibfehler. Sehr viele. Gehe da nochmal mit Word drüber, das sollte schon einiges rausfiltern.

Ein paar Dinge zur Grammatik:

-"Through my job in a gastronomy I demonstrate conscientiousness." Was bitte? Du demonstrierst Bewusstsein durch Gastronomie? Streichen.
- " I am a teamplayer and be cooperatively" - I am a cooperatively working teamplayer
- "The last three years during I was going to school I think about a new challenge in my life." - During the last three years of going to school, I was looking (oder: searching) for a new challenge in my life.
- "Furthermore I was a membership of an big project to make art with homeless children to get them a change to communicate." - Furthermore I was a member of a big project creating art with homeless children to get them a chance to communicate." (Das macht allerdings keinen Sinn - obdachlose Kinder kommunizieren auch ohne Kunst, das Ziel wird sicher ein anderes gewesen sein)
- "presentiate" - present
- Tipp: Das Schreiben ist sprachlich insgesamt ziemlich verbesserungswürdig. Lass jemanden drüber schauen, der gut Englisch kann.

Ein paar Dinge zum Inhalt, die du dringend ändern solltest:

- Ich würde allerdings deutlich mehr schreiben. Das geht nicht ausreichen in die Tiefe.
- Du schreibst überhaupt nicht, warum du in die Länder willst, in die du willst.
- Du schreibst nicht, warum du dich für die Projekte bewirbst, für die du dich bewirbst
- Du schreibst nicht, was deine Eltern machen, obwohl es Teil deiner Argumentation ist
- Du sagst nicht, warum dich Entwicklungshilfe interessiert

Ich habe in meinem Blog eine Anleitung zum Motivationsschreiben geschrieben. Ich beziehe mich da zwar eher auf Studiengänge, allerdings sollten die meisten Tipps auch für andere Motivationsschreiben gelten.

Also, ich hoffe, du hast das Schreiben noch nicht abgeschickt. Ich würde da noch einiges an Arbeit investieren.

[Rumi]

Kann sich jemand evtl. mein Motivationschreiben auf englisch anschauen und auf Rechtschreibfehler etc. aufmerksam machen? Kritik ist erwünscht. Bitte um schnellst mögliche Antworten!

Danke im voraus!

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am interested in your company to spend a volunteer year abroad. I am 18 years old and attend my last High School year, specializing in German, Art and English . In summer 2013 I will graduate.

For some time I cherish the wish to spend a year abroad after graduating. There are a lot of reason for this. First, I want to see something new and different from my ordinary life here. All along, other cultures and lifestyles fascinated me. I love traveling and reading books about foreign countries, especially Asia. I am also never to shy to communicate with our exchange students in school or other tourists.
Of course that is not everything. Most important for me is to give something good back. I know that I have a very good life with all the opportunities and sometimes I forget how precious it is, so I want to change this. There are a lot of people in the world who are struggling so much for their dreams. I want to struggle too or at least I want to see and help them. Sure, I have no professional schooling in this area but I am anyways convinced that by working together, we can change something or create something useful. Moreover, I strongly believe this volunteer year would give me a lot precious experiences for life and improve my knowledge through hard work.
Furthermore, it gives me pleasure to deal with children and young people. I often look after my two nephews and also take care for my younger brother. I am also working voluntary in the mosque by organizing with others events or giving private lessons in subjects like German or English. On top of that, I completed a three-week placement at an elementary school with children from low-income families. Education is very important to me and I am pleased to share my knowledge with others.
Some of my positive skills are, responsibility, patience, creativity and being ambitious.
To spend a volunteer year in your organization would be grateful for me.

I look forward for a positive reply. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[Rhodus]

Hallo Rumi,

auch wenn mein Englisch schon arg eingestaubt ist, fällt mir doch auf,, dass Deinem Motivationsschreiben noch die nötige Aussagekraft fehlt.
Sop ist es etwa zu pauschal, mitzuteilen, dass man andere Kulturkreise spannend findet. Die Aussagekraft kommt erst dann zum Tragen, wenn man konkreter wird und mitteilt, was genau einen an der Kultur fasziniert und warum das so ist. Erst dann kann der Leser erkennen, dass das Gesagte auch so gemeint ist.

Viele Grüße aus Duisburg

[pitterpolo]

For some time I cherish the wish to spend a year abroad after graduating. There are a lot of reasons for this. First, I want to see something new and different from my ordinary life here. All along, other cultures and lifestyles fascinated me. I love traveling and reading books about foreign countries, especially Asia. I am also never to shy to communicate with our exchange students in school or other tourists. (Vorschlag: I've neber been shy ....)
Of course that is not everything. Most important for me is to give something good back. (Vorschlag: The most important aspect for me is...) I know that I have a very good life with all the opportunities and sometimes I forget how precious it is, so I want to change this. There are a lot of people in the world who are struggling so much for their dreams. I want to struggle too or at least I want to see and help them. Sure, I have no professional schooling in this area but I am anyways (Vorschlag: definitely convined ...) convinced that by working together, we can change something or create something useful. Moreover, I strongly believe this volunteer year would give me a lot precious experiences for life and improve my knowledge through hard work.
Furthermore, it gives me pleasure to deal with children and young people. I often look after my two nephews and also take care for my younger brother. I am also working voluntary in the mosque by organizing with others events or giving private lessons in subjects like German or English. On top of that, I completed a three-week placement at an elementary school with children from low-income families. Education is very important to me and I am pleased to share my knowledge with others.
Some of my positive skills are, responsibility, patience, creativity and being ambitious.
To spend a volunteer year in your organization would be grateful for me.

I look forward for a positive reply. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[/quote]

Bin jetzt dein Schreiben einmal überflogen.
Was mir noch aufgefallen ist: Du verwendest zu oft "I" (z.B. I want, I believe, I know etc. pp.) Zugegeben," I" kommt natürlich häufig in Schreiben über die eigene Person vor, aber was ich meine ist: versuche Umschreibungen zu finden, z.B. "With the help of my language skills...", "My experiences show..." etc.
Hoffentlich verstehst du, was ich dir vermitteln möchte.

Außerdem stimme ich Herr Rimpler zu: Du kratzt an der Oberfläche, du musst noch tiefer gehen und schreiben, woraus dein Interesse für andere Kulturen herrührt, was dich genau interessiert etc.

Viele Grüße,
pitterpolo